More Notes on the Power of Dog (Because That’s What People Really Want)

October 4, 2015 at 5:38 pm (Uncategorized)

With another mass shooting in a school, I almost started another post about the decadence of capitalism, its cannibalistic and self-destructive tendencies and all that usual, familiar stuff. But nobody really seems to care. The headline in The Onion best summed it up: “No Way To Prevent This” says only Nation Where This Regularly Happens.”

As WYNC noted, lines pulled from the article are of course familiar:

  • ...citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded… that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
  • “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said _______ resident ________, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations.
  • At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past five years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”

Pretty much Jeb Bush’s response. “”Stuff happens” may be the most callous  fuck you uttered in a while. Perhaps, a Trumpian, “Hey, I like people who didn’t get killed.”

So instead, I thought I’d reprint something else from the Onion. A little lighter. A few more laughs.


Bringing a dog into the family can be as difficult as it is rewarding, and pet owners must set rules and boundaries for the newest members of their household. Here are The Onion’s tips for training your dog:

  • Start with simple commands like “sit” before working your way up to the more complicated ones like “fill the gaping void in my life.”
  • Remember that consistently good behavior will take time. You’re letting a fucking animal loose in your house.
  • Set a good example for your dog by never chasing after squirrels, no matter how badly you want to.
  • It’s important to establish dominance. Show your dog who’s boss by cleaning up its waste and paying for all its food.
  • Consistency is key. Remember to use the same expletive every time your dog chews up your shoes.
  • Dogs crave clear direction, so be sure to schedule yours for quarterly performance reviews.
  • Remain patient during training sessions with your dog, as English is not its first language.
  • Rather than simply saying “no” to your pet, engage it in a constructive dialogue about the moralistic implications of the undesired behavior.

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